Lifting, shifting, driving, snowplows, Devon and... A crossbow?

I know, I know, I have been receiving all your complaints... So I have been busy, not had a lot of time to randomly type crap for you people to waste an afternoon reading.

I am sure your hoping for a scintillating review of my ecstatically exciting escapades over the last few weeks but I have bad news - its all pretty damn boring.

Firstly I had to stop working at the car and van rental place for political reasons - the agency employing me and the manager of the rental place fell our over staffing problems (not me) and left me without a job. Handily the rental manager told his new appointed agency (actually his old one, its damned complicated) to employ me so I could continue working for him. They did employ me, but only to find the previous agency had a legal hold on me working for the rental company with any other agency. Due to the good recommendation (see I do work hard) from the rental company guy though I was given an alternative job for a few days whilst they worked out how to employ me at the original place. Confused yet? Well I bloody well am.

Unfortunately for me the alternative work they had for me involved rather a lot more work than a born-to-slack work-shy bum like me is used to. They sent me to a place called Denes Countrywide stores, and told me I would be driving a van delivering store supplies. Denes it turns out would be quite a departure from my norm - I should have guessed when the address they gave me led to literally the square root of nowhere, deep in central Hampshire where people have two heads and eat their young.

I would as promised be driving a van, but also loading and unloading said van, and not to stores either - Denes caters mostly to the equine market, so I would be delivering to stables, studs, and polo yards. Delivering what you ask? Delivering upwards of 60 bags of varied feed or bedding weighing 20-30kgs each. Toss. Perhaps for you -the committed sofa expert- this sounds easy, or maybe your some kind of muscle-Mary sociopath who actively enjoys torturous labour for pennies an hour but for me that's a damned lot - especially when each run usually has 3-7 drop offs and there are time for three runs a day. Talking to one of the other drivers revealed that he reckoned he lifted upwards of nine tonnes a day by the time everything had got off and on his van. Nine tonnes??? I get tired when lifting my f**king fork, let alone one percent of that!

What's that you say? But I get a break driving in between drop offs? Well I enjoy a good drive as much as the next person but how about if you have an over-capacity Mercedes Sprinter LWB high-top van on roads no wider than an iPhone, with occasional lack of tarmac and 25%+ gradients? I know, it just wouldn't be quite right unless the van they gave you also had no discernible handbrake, smelled like a toilet and hadn't been cleaned since the 1800s (deeply impressive, given it was a 2009 van). Also every now and again the ESP and other assorted warning lights all flashed up on the dash, and something under the front sounded completely loose and or broken at every bump in the road.
After just three days I was broken, mind, body and soul - actually stuff the rest of it my spine felt like it had been run over by a tank then put in a blender.
Still its not all bad, the people I worked with were brilliant, they all had the correct amount of appendages and spoke English, albeit with a bit of a farm twang. Another unexpected benefit was the eye candy - stables generally only hire based on looks and dress size it seems, especially the posh ones.

In amongst this chaotic slave labour I also may have accidentally acquired a snowplough with Stevey... Yes a snowplough, attached to a Jeep Grand Cherokee we picked up for parts... Seemed a good idea at the time...



Apologies for the terrible pic, that's the best I got with the plow fitted. It was however an incredible bodge upon bodge, entirely homemade to a standard that made even I -a seasoned bodger of crappy things- could not believe!
Made using the worst welding since Stonehenge was built, out of a couple of old car ramps, some sheet metal, a small electric winch, bull bars off an evidently very rusty Landy Discovery and a couple of trailer wheels. It is now taken apart, we never got to use the plow side of things as the previous owner had removed it and placed it in the boot (how I don't know - it weighed so much I had to take it out in pieces). Anyway the whole chapter is closed, we have already stripped it and weighed it in.

So what else has happened? Well I write this latest missive from a cottage on a hillside in deepest rural Devon, where I am residing on a break with Vicky, her mother and her grandparents. Just a week long break so we will be heading home tomorrow, we were lucky with the weather for the most part with high winds but very little rain. Also lucky as fewer of the locals than expected have been strange backwards mutations.
Wilst on our travels of wildest Devonshire we even came across a little byway and a ford, both of which I have been allowed to venture down in the big lolvo, much to my amusement; Another side benefit of this little getaway has been a lot of shopping - normally something I loathe but here in Devonshire clothes shopping is also mixed with a fair bit of random tool and outdoorsy items... Including a crossbow!!!



I can only imagine the fun that will ensue from using this £15 80lb crossbow... According to the guy at the weapons collection point (Apparently they won't just let you walk out with these things) it will go through a bale of hay! :):):) Happy days!
I was all set to try it out here before getting home -you know, get my monies worth and such- but Vicky took it away and said I am banned until I get home. Boo :(.

I will let you know how it goes... or if i don't then you'll know why.

Nought to busy in no time at all

So its been a while, but unusually its not because I have had nothing to say - its because so much is going on so quickly it has taken me quite by surprise!

I am in fact writing this sentence sat in the back of a Mercedes Sprinter crew cab pickup, hurtling (insane driver) down the A34. So its not because I have forgotten about you, but where do I start?

Last weekend (Easter weekend) I and some friends went to a four day offroading weekend near Wales. Some things are bent, some broken. But the big news is that since last Monday I have been working, actual paid work even! So I will start with the work;

Nothing glamorous, I have been doing temporary work with a vehicle hire company collecting, dropping off anything on four wheels - from Fiestas to 3.5 ton luton body vans. Many things have happened during the short course of my employment so far. For example yesterday I had to drop a new van off to a customer and collect their broken van. When I arrived I found the broken van in 'limp home' mode meaning it could do no more than 2500rpm and it had no power at all. On hills I was reduced to 10mph, and I owe a big apology to the rush hour traffic between Andover and Reading... Sorry about that chaps!

Today I had an early start (7am an hour away from home) and I was to be the 'runner' for four drivers dropping vans off in Colchester, Essex - a few hours drive from the depot. A runner is someone who follows the delivery drivers and takes them home afterwards. Today's drivers were Tom (normal, and my age but drives like a rocket is up his arse), Neil (hereby named Wurzel after the old tv icon he resembles), Farai (Some uncommunicative and hideously scarred little colored chap from South Africa) and Alan (A round and aging windbag who is as politically correct as a Gollywog and an utterly unhinged driver).
Personally I prefer Tom and Alan, Tom is actually normal and it is possible to have conversations with him. Alan is very funny and seems to have first hand experience of every burger van or greasy spoon in southern England. Wurzel talks only occasionally and when he does he strikes you as someone who doesn't interact socially a lot and Farai barely utters a word and its hard to know where to look as his whole face is a bit of a mess. Also when he does talk its uninteligible anyway. He often laughs after saying something uninteligible, I can only assume he is trying to tell jokes so I laugh with him - for all I know he could be insulting my parentage. Speaking of Farai actually we have been trying to work out why he looks like he does, I think he got tortured and fled South Africa - hence his appearance and inclination towards not offering any information about himself. Tom thinks he caught and recovered from (we hope) some exotic desease and feels he is here to take advantage of our relaxed government and claim benefits. Alan believes it is a genetic mutation and that he is also here to claim benefits for being black in the UK. We would bet money on it but as we are all working at this place because we have no money it seemed like the wrong thing to do. See I could have claimed its because we are all too moral to bet on another mans misfortune but frankly that would be a lie.

In addition to the driving work though things have been moving apace (or so it seems) on alternate and even permenant employment. just after starting my current job I got a call from a very eager employment agent who feels I would be a perfect fit for a two month role almost on my doorstep doing sales and general admin, customer support and some warehouse work. It is more per hour than the driving job, stable 09:00-17:30 hours and close enough to walk in - not that I will.The agent said I should be a shoe in for the job as I am the only applicant he is aware of that they are considering. So provided I don't fuck the interview up I could even be turning a job down (sadly the driving job which I am greatly enjoying).
To top it all off I am now only awaiting a security clearance and medical to get a start date for work at an MOD facility as permenant staff, the medical is booked for the 2nd of May and the initial security clearance interview on the 1st of May. Once both have been passed (Still an undisclosed amount of time) then I am ready to start when they are... Hurrah!

Behind the doors approaching lies the rest of my life.... Or something.

It’s been a while, and its awful quiet in here...

 

Well it’s been a while... things here have been progressing at quite a pace... Ha had you all going, nothing moves fast here, nothing but the damned tortoise anyway.

Lets see, well mum finally decided to trade the Lexus in for a newer and smaller vehicle. Gotta move with the times I suppose, with petrol prices in the UK set for another rise (Predicted to be over 1.40 per litre for petrol and 1.50 per litre for diesel soon) the Lexus was becoming more and more untenable to run, even though at 24mpg average it was quite good for a 4.3l V8 saloon. It was also often hamstrung by sheer size, parking bays here are shrinking every time the lines are redone and nowadays after fighting to get it into a space we often found the doors not to have enough room to open without hitting the car next door. The final nail in the coffin however was the fact that it was unable to live up to Lexus’s two core beliefs.

Firstly the service we have experienced from our local Lexus dealer (there is only one within reasonable range of us) has been passable, but never anything approaching good. They have never seemed interested in our business even when we were willing to talk new cars with them. On a few rare occasions they have been rude, and only apologetic and efficient when they were caught out by Lexus UK who happened to call us just after a particularly rude service manager had been unreasonably rude to mum. Unfortunately for him, and the poor Lexus UK rep on the other end of the phone mum let Lexus UK have both barrels and informed Lexus she didn’t want their useless car nor to buy a new one. Reading Lexus called back a couple of days later, eager to put the car they had broken whilst servicing it right.

Secondly the legendary reliability often mentioned by Japanese manufacturers (Toyota and Lexus in particular) does not seem to apply if the vehicle in question is an LS430 from 2004. Recently the engine light had been coming on, according to the diagnostic computer (I happen to have one handily) one or more of the four lambda probes had failed. This caused several warning triangles to appear on the dash, and disconnected the traction control and stability programs making it difficult to put out at wet and greasy junctions. Coupled to this the car has not been driving correctly for months, it has been back and forth between Lexus Reading and various tire fitters with alignment devices but no one could pinpoint the problem. Eventually Lexus and the tire people blamed each other, and then the Pirelli tires recently fitted for being the culprit. As these tires (245/45-18 all round) were not cheap, and the Bridgestone’s they suggested would be several hundred each we decided to simply ignore the problem. One day I happened to be in a local garage in the car with a friend discussing the cars problems and he insisted I bring it in and put it on a ramp so he could look at it. In minutes based on my description of the way it drove and simply by pushing each corner of the car in turn he found that one of the rear shocks had developed a leak and was the sole cause of the poor driving. We sent it back to Lexus who were pleased to say they would fix the lambda probe and shock for a mere £3000. Along with the broken electrically adjustable steering column (Only up and down, no in and out), schizophrenic parking sensors and non-functioning automatic wipers this all transpired to ruin our faith in the car. We had hoped it would keep going virtually until the end of time, mechanically at least.

So the plus side of all of this I suppose was that we could go car shopping. Now it’s no secret that I really, truly love car shopping – particularly for new metal. It wasn’t quite so simple as just pitching up and agreeing this car or that car would do however, we had several different criteria to meet – each one on its own would be easy enough to match but all of them in a single car? We should have known it just couldn’t be done. Below are the criteria required to match my mother’s next chariot of choice;

1.       Badge – She still won’t admit it, but my mother is a terrible badge snob.

2.       Price – Like anyone else, we had a budget we didn’t want to go over.

3.       Warranty – Because we would be going for a new or nearly new car the warranty would be important, so much so that when it expires the car may be sold on for a new one.

4.       Performance – Some say that on certain days of the week my mother dons a white suit and helmet and wonders off in the direction of Dunsfold Aerodrome, Shortly afterwards the sound of wailing engines and tortured tires wafts back across the tranquil British countryside. All we know is - she could actually be the Stig. The Lexus could do the 0-62mph (0-100kmh) sprint in 6.6 seconds and go on to comfortably cruise way over three figures. It was not uncommon for her to use this performance.

5.       Size – It’s time to downsize, mum wanted a Hatchback car with five doors that would be easy to park and still have space to get out. It also had to be able to fit three generously sized passengers in addition to mum and at the same four large and heavy sewing machines with four persons quilting supplies for a night or weekend.

6.       Refinement – The problem here is that matching the Lexus refinement without ending up with another car as heavy and large as the Lexus itself would be impossible, best hope is that the current crop of hatches has passable refinement.

7.       Fuel economy and running costs – Perhaps not as high a priority for mum as others shopping in this market - we were only looking for an improvement on 24mpg, and £300-£500 per annum to tax.

8.       Equipment – The Lexus was extremely well specified, including satellite navigation and a reverse parking camera amongst other gadgets and gizmos. Again it would be difficult to match the full spec in the hatchback market, and all the more improbable given the budget.

9.       Fuel – Sorry diesel lovers, but you all drive tractors. I own a diesel myself, and it has benefits but frankly every time I start it I always get that feeling that I am a farmer, and I could have had a V8 running on the correct fuel in place of my noisy tractor engine. It had to be a petrol – even if diesels in this market were refined enough (Which none of them are) mum only does ~6000 miles a year, diesels need higher mileages to make sense and can prove unreliable with so few miles.

So, already the list was shortened. The obvious economy brands where mums money would have travelled so much further were ruled out due to their badges not having the ‘right stuff’. Other brands were out of the running as they did not field a suitably small vehicle, they only offered engine or drive train combinations which were undesirable (underpowered or diesel) or their offering was simply out of her budget.

I had a shortlist of the following which we went to see or test drive;

·         Volkswagen Golf 1.4TSI Match – The class default choice, offering fairly reasonable levels of kit and reasonable performance.

·         Toyota Auris Hybrid T-Spirit – Free yearly tax, on paper very cheap to run and in top-spec form with all the options ticked it was still cheaper than many rivals and provided unrivalled equipment levels. Plus we both had an interest in Hybrids, given this vehicle would likely be changed in a few years so battery woes would not worry us the technology was interesting. However it was universally agreed that owning a Hybrid would only be possible if others could not tell immediately that it was one – no goddamn Pious’es.

·         Honda Jazz Hybrid EV-T – Cheapest car on our list initially (Although not by much) its high spec, discreet hybridy cleverness and previous positive experiences with the earlier Jazz endeared us to look at it although it technically belonged to the class below.

·         Lexus CT200h SE – By far the most expensive option, but we hoped to fall in love with the smallest Lexus, for it to beckon us to extend the budget and accept no compromises. We were expecting it to be the closest match to its stablemate-predecessor in refinement and quality feel.

·         BMW 116i SE – Reasonably priced but very stingily specified, any saving would be eliminated by the need to add equipment that really should be standard – shame on you BMW. Should be the best to drive if not the outright quickest.

·         Alfa Romeo Gulietta 1.4l (170) Lusso – It is said that you can never claim to be a true petrol head until you have owned an Alfa Romeo, something about them allures even though their reliability reputation leaves something to be desired. I owned an Alfa 146 for a short while; it looked fantastic and was fizzing with character. No doubt it would have driven fantastically – if 90% of it had not quietly succumbed to rust in every area unseen by the naked eye… But on to the Gulietta, which has been touted as a masterpiece by the motoring press. According to statistics the reliability is expected to match Alfa’s unimpeachable German rivals too. The Gulietta provides unimaginably more performance for the same money as all its rivals and a spec that at least matches and in most cases betters others.

·         Audi A3 1.4TSI SE – The engine sounds familiar doesn’t it… That’s because the A3 is a Volkswagen Golf with an ever so slightly higher price tag and added badge prestige.

·         Mini Countryman Cooper S – Can the least mini-mini match up to the others listed? It’s the same price but it does lack some spec (It’s a BMW thing) and don’t tell the nice marketing folks at BMW but it is ugly; there’s no two ways about it.

We started with Honda, and we did have high hopes after testing the original Jazz about 5-6 years ago. Memories of peppy performance and an unbeatably practical interior were enough to overcome the poor refinement the older model had. Reviews stated this latest model -particularly the hybrid model- had massive improvements in refinement. We should have known there could be a problem when the Honda salesman got nervous as soon as the word ‘performance’ was mentioned. On the test drive the Jazz made an unseemly amount of racket when asked to move at any pace above ‘amble’ and screeched like a banshee when mum tried to beat a mobility scooter at a set of traffic lights. As the mobility scooter trundled of into the distance (victorious) we hit a dual carriageway. At 65mph mum moved into the fast lane to pass a lorry... Lots and lots of noise followed, and we lost considerable ground to the lorry before mum was forced to move back into the slow lane. When questioned, the nervous salesman said “Ah but there was an uphill gradient at that point madam”; the enormous uphill gradient that had ground the Honda to a near halt was in fact an incline that wouldn’t affect a cyclist. We left the Honda showroom as quickly as we could get back; clearly the Jazz is not quite the car for mum.

Next on the hit list was Toyota, and in the showroom we picked up on a problem right away. It would seem that during the conversion to hybrid technology the Auris had to have a considerable amount of batteries fitted. This in itself is no problem (Other than the rumour that hybrids explode in accidents due to these batteries) but they have placed all of these batteries in the boot of the Auris, the remaining space could not be used as a post-box. No really, if you shut a toothpick in there it would start to get claustrophobic. This unfortunately ended the Auris’s chances there and then, the standard non-hybrid Auris is so boring we hadn’t actually noticed that we were using one as a bench in the showroom and it was bright red. The dealer tried to offer mum the Pious instead on account of its not unreasonable boot, after we were done laughing at him and generally insulting the other customers looking at the Pious I realised I was looking at Toyotas smaller offering, the Yaris. Although the Yaris is not yet available with Hybrid tech it turns out this is a bonus, as it does in fact have a boot, and a very reasonable one considering even the 5 door version takes up less room than the bonnet of the LS430. We agreed to test drive a top of the range Yaris, the Yaris T-Spirit 1.3VVT-i. It came with more than you could reasonably expect for such a small car, including a full length panoramic sunroof. On top of its high spec it performed admirably on the test drive, feeling nippy although it’s not really that fast and able to hold 70-80mph on a dual carriageway. Refinement was not great, but then again this Yaris with all options tick cost more than £5000 less than any of the other cars we were considering.

Impressed by the Yaris we went to Lexus and were told we could only see the CT200h by appointment, so we booked an extended test drive on a later date.

A few days later we visited Volkswagen, and were very impressed with the Golf- so much so we dismissed the Yaris as not big or refined enough despite the price differential. After Volkswagen we went and collected the Lexus CT200h for a 24hr test drive. To pass the time and waste Lexus’s fuel we ran all our errands for the week, backwards and forwards between the local towns. What we found was that the price premium charged for Hybrids is absolutely not worth it. Not only are hybrids the worst possible ecological purchase due to the pollution created to manufacture them but frankly you really have to be committed to being pretentiously eco-conscious to own them over any of the excellent other conventionally powered eco-options out there. It was slow, noisy unrefined and rode like it had too much weight in the back – which it did (Batteries). So it was up to Audi to convince us that a badge made their car better then the Golf on which it was based, BMW to convince us that theirs was the ‘ultimate driving machine’ and Alfa to convince us that a car with real soul could win our hearts.

Unfortunately for Audi, their car was mediocre and their dealer terrible. At one point my friend (Who came along for moral support) asked how much torque the 1.4l Turbocharged petrol engine had. The dealer responded with: “At least 3000lb-ft of torques, it’s a very powerful engine”. To put that figure in perspective an American M1A2 main battle tank produces 2750lb-ft of torque... The Volkswagen Group 1.4TSI engine as used in the Audi A3 and Volkswagen Golf produces 148lb-ft. To cement his incompetence when mum asked what the noise was as she did a rolling burnout from a junction he told her it was “Rust on the brake disks”. Having ruled out the Audi we went on to BMW, where we were welcomed by a friendly dealer who knew his cars and had a decent sense of humour. We couldn’t help but be impressed with the 1 Series; it drove like a much larger car and had a solid feel to it. In fact, it drove so well it overwhelmed the Golf in every way bar the specification.

From BMW we went to Alfa, where the dealer turned out to be the brother of an old friend and a true petrol head. Whilst the dealer and I talked meaningless paper statistics mum had ratcheted the Alfa up to 95mph in traffic on the motorway. Credit to the dealer, he pretended not to notice. The Alfa was a firecracker, with outright performance that ashamed everything else – even making the Lexus LS430 feel slow and unresponsive. Unfortunately the Alfa badge was too much of a risk for mum, so that leaves us in a class of one...

Mothers new car is a BMW 116i SE in metallic black, which they conveniently happened to have as a 6 month old dealer owned example on their forecourt for £5000 less than it would have cost new.

It drives well, giving unexpectedly good performance from the least powerful engine in the 1 Series range, a 1.6l Twin-scroll turbocharged engine with 138bhp.

So that about sums up buying a new car, not sure how it took me this long to explain it. So what else has been going on? Well I still haven’t managed to find a new job, a few interviews and what must be over 100 applications later. No offers as yet, it’s a tough market.

Skiboarding 2012 day 8 - The almighty departure

Off to a bad start, the alarm we set to go off at six had not gone off by 0730 when Crispy and Ken rang me to ask why they were waiting for me downstairs. It was on Vicky's phone, which still cheerfully stated the alarm was due to go off imminently at six even though by its own admission the time was seven thirty.
The weather was fantastic, truly the calm after the storm. Although over a foot of snow had dropped in a relatively short amount of time there was only a few inches of packed snow and ice on the roads as the snow ploughs had been out in force. The mountains looked perfect and conditions for skiing would be ideal.

Ken Crispy and I were to collect the cars and bring them back to the apartment for loading first thing. Because I was late they insisted on walking fast so by the time we got to the car park I was wheezing like a broken dogs chew toy in a tumble drier. Ken ambled off to find the lovebus and Crispy stayed with me to find the Lolvo as I had the jump cables to start his car.
It took a worryingly long time to start my car - it is no more a morning person than me it appears. Also just to annoy me I found that because I was parked on a low floor in the car park the rear of the car and roof were covered in a fine layer of snow - so much for not needing to clear the damn thing off.

Once mine had rattled to life we went to find the Lexus, Crispy even guessed the correct floor to find it. Its a good thing he did, because when we came across the correct floor it was shrouded in a diesel smog. At the center of the smog was a familiar white van - Kens van in fact. Apparently the diesel heater was the cause of the cancer inducing smog but instead of switching it off Ken insisted it would clear - eventually.
Spurred on by death by van we were able to quickly jump start the Lexus and leave the parking level it resided on. When we got to the exit Ken and I handed our tickets to the automated machine and drove straight out, we had decided to rely on 4wd (lolvo) and snow tires (van) to get us around the resort as we felt it was not too bad. Crispy was concerned that the Lexus would be unable to stop or start moving once he left the safety of the dry carpark so he opted to chain up in the carpark before leaving. This it turned out would be his downfall.

There was very limited space to park once leaving the car park, so Ken chose to park in front of an (empty) snowplough and I chose to park in a space next to them with the mountain behind me. As we chatted we were approached by an anxious looking Frenchman extremely proficient in arm waving. Through many excessive gestures and much shouting he insisted we should move - the Val Thorens authorities would be using controlled explosions to create avalanches and as a result the roads surrounding the car park could be receiving the displaced snow.
With panic at the forefront of our minds we told Crispy only to find he had not yet got his chains on - shouty arm waving man insisted we abandon his car in the car park and immediately move our cars or risk losing them. In true Top Gear style we abandoned Crispy and ran away.

Feeling slightly guilty I returned to the car park after loading the Lolvo at the flats, Crispy had made it down the hill outside the carpark but was still unable to fit the chains and had got stuck trying to go uphill.
I helped him fit the chains and led him back to the apartment to load up.

We were actually loaded and ready to leave by 0930 - a good three hours before I thought we would get on the move. Traffic down the mountain was terrible, and after the traffic ended we then got stuck behind a snowplough anyway.
After getting out of the mountains the journey home was actually pain free - a good end to a brilliant holiday.

And no - we were unable to get customs to search anyone again - frankly I'm starting to think I could smuggle in immigrants on the roof and still get away with it.

Skiboarding 2012 day 7 - How to make friends and alienate people

The weather has really moved in on us now, can no longer see much at all.
Last night was a big piss up for Russell's birthday, we met at a restaurant in the middle of the town and as I met the others there I figured I could avoid the fancy dress. Alas, they brought mine with them. Bastards. Vicky and I had to get dressed in the restaurant before ordering. We did decline the clubs and pubs afterwards though.

As it was a piss up the night before it was a late start today, but today we would be in fancy dress!

From left to right we have: A Whoopie Cushion (Chris Douglas), A boring and Joyless person who refused to wear fancy dress (Phil Douglas), an, er, confusingly coloured cat (Vicky), A superheroine (Kate), A lost Penguin (Me), Kermit the Frog (Steve), Iron Man (Crispy), Bugs Bunny (Jane), A tiger with a Lions head - making it a Liger actually (Scott), A Mexican (Bluntly), A monkey (Dom) and Osama Bin Laden (Stubby). 
People loved the costumes, we had photos cheers and waves everywhere. However unfortunately we only managed a couple of runs, the weather is truly terrible now. In fact it has dumped several inches over the last hour or two and only seems to be getting worse, even the toboggan is shut due to high winds at the top. Whilst skiing today I did have my one and only stack of the holiday- unable to see bumps and divots ahead of me I gradually hit a hill, came to a slow stop and rolled on my side. It was a very graceful and slow maneuver but was unfortunately witnessed by others so it counts as a fall - or else I would deny it ever happened. However whilst laying in the snow on my side, contemplating the excuse for being in the snow on my side I got rammed in the spine by Kermit the frog (Steve in drag). So now I had the pain to go with the fall.
During their piss up last night it also occurred to them that our ski passes stop working today, so theirs no point hanging around and we are hoping to leave here early (for us) Saturday morning instead of hanging around until Saturday night. With the snow so thick on the ground already I have a feeling this may not go too smoothly for us. Also we all have battery concerns, for a while now (months) our Lolvo has been showing a 'battery low' warning if you sit in the car with the stereo on for a while. As the battery in the Lolvo appears to be one stolen from a battleship I fear this indicates it only has so long left to live. Both Crispy and Bluntly expressed concern over their batteries before leaving too, in Crispys case someone left an interior light on when they parked it so we know its gonna need a bump start but we haven't tried any of the others...
To pass the time I have pleasingly found a very cheap tat-shop and started wasting what little money I don't have. So far I have acquired a BB gun and ammo, Chris has acquired some bangers... Its a peach of a BB gun, even has a laser and torch. I intend to use it to storm the other apartments later and hold them hostage. With a combination of bangers and BB's they will be overcome by our shock-and-awe tactics and immediately surrender any cash they have remaining. With the cash we can purchase more ammo for the BB gun, and eventually upgrade enough to rob the French bank before leaving. Possibly.
We did go to the snowmobile place at the prescribed time, but it was cancelled due to the weather :(. "Le-Impossible" as the instructor reliably informed us after going out to see if it was clear. A shame, we had high hopes for breaking some expensive French-owned equipment.
Its just one more sleep to go till home time now, we have to be all packed up tonight so all we need to do is load the car in the morning.

Skiboarding 2012 day 6 - Bad weather rolling in, bye bye Gaz

Today was a very late start day, last night nearly everyone went out drinking and got hammered so nobody was in the mood for an early start. I met up with Crispy, Bluntly, Scott, Stubby and Jane at about 1100 for a few gentle runs. The weather has started to turn from this morning so we have been robbed of our great views, visibility is good but poor light means it is impossible to see any bumps ahead - everything is just white.

We also took the opportunity to book snowmobiling for Friday night, a few of us will be renting them for an hour and being taken on a tour. I can't possiblly see how 1000cc half tank half ski contraptions capable of 50mph+ with some of the least mature people imaginable piloting them could possiblly be a bad idea...
Had a late stop at a new cafe on the side of the mountain for crepes and a break, weather was starting to clear at this point but light is still bad. We opted to do a few runs then head in. Somewhere along the line Stubby and Jane had a falling out and Jane made her own way back. We spent the last few runs finding small jumps and steep 'drop ins' from the side of the slopes, each one more challenging than the last in the hopes someone would get caught out. None of us are ready for the x-games, but we did better than expected.
Today Gaz finally got his call back from the insurance company, he is getting a taxi to the airport and a flight home this afternoon. They must have seen a picture of him - they booked two seats for the flight home.
Also tonight everyone is going out for Russells birthday, I think we are all supposed to be going out to dinner in fancy dress followed by out to bars and clubs...

Skiboarding 2012 day 5 - Hurrah! Nobodys broken! But the flat is flooded and the hairdriers on fire.

A good day for skiing again today, again the meeting time was due to be at 0930. I turned up at 0945 having already had breakfast, I was not the last to arrive.
We would be split today- the A team and Scott would be together, Vicky was to be teaching Phil to parallel ski, Jane was having a morning off with the 'Cripple Club' (Gaz and Bridie) and Kate was doing I don't know what.
It didn't start too well though, we lost Chris before we left the hotel.
Today Steve was on skis and boots borrowed from Gaz, he felt that the muscles required for boarding were too broken from tobogganing the day before and skiing would use less broken ones. The problem was that Phil had borrowed Gaz's ski poles and Steve couldn't ski without them so he borrowed mine, I had none to borrow so had to go without. Oddly, I don't tend to use my poles when skiing but instead hold them as a pair unless using them to 'punt' my way along a flat area. However not having them at all is very unbalancing, and I don't like it.
We opted to ski in our valley today, but go to a part of the valley we had not previously seen. This also included the highest peak we could visit. On the way there I found a single discarded ski pole branded as 'Scott', which I took and claimed for myself. Also, as it was branded Scott, I used it to prod Scott any time he was in range of it. I have now claimed the Scott pole as my own and I insist it accompanies us on all future trips.
Here we are at the highest point available to us in Val Thorens, at 3200 metres from sea level.

 



The lift to this height consists of two coach sized cabins side by side, they act as counter weights so when one reaches the bottom the other is at the top and both are are crewed by a driver although other than say then people are in or out I fail to see what use the driver has. When you exit the lift at the top you exit onto a platform hanging off the side of the mountain. The platform has only a metal grille utilizing sizable gaps allowing you to see the considerable drop below stopping you from becoming intimate with the fall itself. You can kind of make all this out in the picture below;

It was as I walked off, marvelling to Russell behind me about the fall and the inadequate feeling grille that it became apparent that Russell does not like heights. This was mostly apparent because Russell had not stepped off the lift cabin, and looked a funny shade of grey. He refused to go near the edges at all, and insisted on no horseplay whilst near the edge.
Here are some further pictures from the very top of the mountain, only because I want you to all be very, very jealous.

From this point it was two choices to get down, or three if you count falling. One was to take a red run, and one was to take a black run. We chose the red option, in fact the first red run I have skiied this holiday. Surprisingly, it all went very well and we made it to the bottom unhurt. We were all to meet at 1300 at the usual mountainside cafe for lunch, but to allow for confusion we split up before meeting up. Russell and I went to wait at the base of a lift where Vicky and Stacy would be meeting to ski together so we could ski with them the single run to get to the cafe. Steve, Stubby and Dom went to the apartments to swap Steves borrowed ski gear for his boarding gear and Crispy and Scott went directly to the cafe. everyone else was making their own ways there, I have no idea what they did prior to lunch. Oh except Bluntly actually - this morning his ski pass broke and he had to go to get a new one, he was supposed to meet us but we missed each other and left him to board with Kate for the morning.
After lunch we decided to go tobogganing again, in fact we have decided to toboggan every night from now on because of how awesome it is. This time Jane, Russell and Phil would be joining us. From the outset Jane and Russell were nervous, and Russell couldn't fit in his sledge at all. Due to sledge size restrictions Russell struggled to keep up and we soon lost him, although he assures us he had some fairly epic crashes.
At one point we were sat waiting for everyone to catch up (its a lot more fun together, sledge bangers) and we witnessed Jane come flying into a bend without turning at all, she hit the banked edge of the track and became airborne - landing in deep snow. I laughed so hard I am pretty certain I wee'd a little bit.
Many pile ups and crashes later we came across another group of sledge-ists on the track in the midst of a massive pileup, we came storming through the piles of arms, legs, torsos, heads and sleds only to find that they had let most of their sleds go - I got knocked off by a riderless sled in fact. On account of the fact it had just knocked me off I did the right thing and insead of helping them find it threw it if the track. Its o, I'm pretty sure they were French.
Anyhow we did eventually make it to the bottom, a little bruised but nobodys broken today, hurrah!
Just one lift and a short blue run home, only at the top of the blue run Bluntly asked for one of my poles (I got both my own poles back from Steve before tobogganing) so he could rude Crispy up with it. Unfortunately for Bluntly Crispy saw him coming, and in a surprise offensive was not only able to push Bluntly over but also nick the pole. Bluntly then ran (boarded) away before Crispy could catch him at the top. Crispy, now armed with the pole and currently 1-0 up gave chase, and caught up on the slope. A hilarious scuffle ensued -like retarded ballet dancing on snowboards whilst moving- and Crispy again won out, able to out-manouvre Bluntly and push him over again. At this point the Blunt one admitted defeat Crispy (now 2-0 up) returned the pole, and I think I had laughed so hard I wee'd again.
Bluntly and I were first back to the chalet, there is a long, wide and shallow run leading to our door and he immediately removed his board upon arrival. This it turned out was to rugby tackle Crispy as he boarded in to rest, with nowhere to go he was a sitting duck for the incoming Blunt tackle. This ended their game, Crispy is still 2-1 u though.
Normally at the end of the day we go in, shower and chill, maybe go out or something. Anyway this afternoon I had my shower with my fixed showerhead and I was blissfully unaware that half the water falling on my was also exiting the other side of the shower curtain. This has resulted in a considerable flood in the bathroom, and also the corridor.

In an effort to dry this up (apparently my towel and t-shirt were not enough) Vicky insisted I use her hairdryer. Only I got bored holding a hairdrier on a puddle (actually I was using it to warm my feet up) and Started to ponder what would happen if I put my hand over the non-blowey end. As it turns out what happens is there is a loud pop and lots of smoke. Apparently I now owe Vicky a hairdrier, I am claiming that someone else did it.