Like a prison, but for toddlers - and hell, for parents.

My to do list is reducing, now I am mostly left with the stuff I have been avoiding and will continue to avoid. The burst of excercising I did to start with has pretty much stopped, that is to say - when the dog gave up walking so did I.

So to celebrate I figured I would volunteer to child sit for a friend. I am not too sure why to be honest, thats kind of like rewarding yourself by flogging. Anyway my grand plan was to take him (HD, a nearly 3 year old boy) too an indoor activity centre called Playdays.

Playdays is essentially a prison for small children where they are kept entertained by a large climbing frame with lots of slides, ball pits and obstacles all padded to prevent serious injury. I figured that upon arrival he would run off and play with like minded children and I could order lunch and read a magazine.

Stage one of plan A was in question immediately, I was told upon arrival that the kitchen was overwhelmed and shutting down. The place was heaving, barely any seats left and screaming children everywhere.

Thankfully HD was in his element, and rushed of with little or no concern for my lack of lunch. I settled down on an uncomfortable and far too small folding chair with my magazine. My peace and quiet was shortlived, apparently to continue playing I was required to run around with HD. Whilst climbing frames and slides made for 3 year olds work well when they use them they are not so easy for me. I tried to quit and escape, got lost twice and then caught before getting to the exit. Eventually I found myself sat in a ball pit, disoriented but alive. Small children swarmed like rabid animals, I found that their sight is motion based. Jurassic park has taught me if I hold still I can avoid detection, this worked for a while but any attempt to escape resulted in immediate bundling. Some children it also turns out are biters, buggers have sharp teeth.

My salvation was announced over the tannoy in two stages, stage one - "The office next door has hired a clamping company and they will be clamping all vehicles parked in their carpark without permission in 5 minutes." This brought upon a mass parent exodus, resulting in mass child distraction. I freed myself in the ensuing chaos and returned to my uncomfortable chair and magazine, confident that my car was in the correct carpark. No sooner had I done so stage two of announcements came up, "Due to demand the kitchen will reopen for half an hour". I was able to order a bacon and cheese panini and chips, plus some nuggets and chips for HD.

I was also able to convince HD to eat a couple of chips, and with creative lying also pretend that HP was ketchup. I was on a roll, right up until he forced me back into the play area. I headed straight for the ball pit as experience had showed me it was a safe hideout, but this time someone had switched on the cannons around the arena - and worse some other ass-bandit taught the animals how to use them.

I was once again saved by the tannoy, this time they were announcing it was kickout time. With use of a crowbar and a blowtorch I was able to remove HD and place him in the car. I think I had it easy, I am pretty sure I saw some parents using explosives. One may have had a tank, not sure.

Having gone through withdrawal symptoms similar to a crack junkie HD cheered up when I dropped him home, I dunno about him but I was knackered.