Goodbye soupy car

So a while ago we had a little Seat supplied by Abi, Daisy's friend. From this point on Abi shall be referred to as 'Soupy', not too sure why but I like it so it can stick. The Seat had sat in a field awaiting its final fate as the scrap value was low at the time and expected to rise. As the value had risen recently it seemed time to get rid, and to be fair I have had some spare time during the day...

When I announced the Seats final fate was approaching over dinner one night I was surprised to hear Daisy pipe up with a question: can I beat it up before it goes? As it make no difference to the scrapyard I told her I couldn't care less.
So off we went to drag the Seat out of the field and give it a final bit of abuse before it goes. Without further ado, on to the pics and vids;

The Beginning;

The tools available;

 

The before;

 

A work in progress;

 

 

 

A short clip of Daisy at work, if you watch closely she stops because she assaults my car on the back swing!

And the aftermath;

 

 

 

 

Thanks Abi!!

 

Like a prison, but for toddlers - and hell, for parents.

My to do list is reducing, now I am mostly left with the stuff I have been avoiding and will continue to avoid. The burst of excercising I did to start with has pretty much stopped, that is to say - when the dog gave up walking so did I.

So to celebrate I figured I would volunteer to child sit for a friend. I am not too sure why to be honest, thats kind of like rewarding yourself by flogging. Anyway my grand plan was to take him (HD, a nearly 3 year old boy) too an indoor activity centre called Playdays.

Playdays is essentially a prison for small children where they are kept entertained by a large climbing frame with lots of slides, ball pits and obstacles all padded to prevent serious injury. I figured that upon arrival he would run off and play with like minded children and I could order lunch and read a magazine.

Stage one of plan A was in question immediately, I was told upon arrival that the kitchen was overwhelmed and shutting down. The place was heaving, barely any seats left and screaming children everywhere.

Thankfully HD was in his element, and rushed of with little or no concern for my lack of lunch. I settled down on an uncomfortable and far too small folding chair with my magazine. My peace and quiet was shortlived, apparently to continue playing I was required to run around with HD. Whilst climbing frames and slides made for 3 year olds work well when they use them they are not so easy for me. I tried to quit and escape, got lost twice and then caught before getting to the exit. Eventually I found myself sat in a ball pit, disoriented but alive. Small children swarmed like rabid animals, I found that their sight is motion based. Jurassic park has taught me if I hold still I can avoid detection, this worked for a while but any attempt to escape resulted in immediate bundling. Some children it also turns out are biters, buggers have sharp teeth.

My salvation was announced over the tannoy in two stages, stage one - "The office next door has hired a clamping company and they will be clamping all vehicles parked in their carpark without permission in 5 minutes." This brought upon a mass parent exodus, resulting in mass child distraction. I freed myself in the ensuing chaos and returned to my uncomfortable chair and magazine, confident that my car was in the correct carpark. No sooner had I done so stage two of announcements came up, "Due to demand the kitchen will reopen for half an hour". I was able to order a bacon and cheese panini and chips, plus some nuggets and chips for HD.

I was also able to convince HD to eat a couple of chips, and with creative lying also pretend that HP was ketchup. I was on a roll, right up until he forced me back into the play area. I headed straight for the ball pit as experience had showed me it was a safe hideout, but this time someone had switched on the cannons around the arena - and worse some other ass-bandit taught the animals how to use them.

I was once again saved by the tannoy, this time they were announcing it was kickout time. With use of a crowbar and a blowtorch I was able to remove HD and place him in the car. I think I had it easy, I am pretty sure I saw some parents using explosives. One may have had a tank, not sure.

Having gone through withdrawal symptoms similar to a crack junkie HD cheered up when I dropped him home, I dunno about him but I was knackered.

Where did all the time go?

So I am now on day three of full time unemployment, and I seem to have less time than I ever did working!

I finished on Tuesday, and duly went to my inlaws house to gossip about the last couple of days in the office, teach them how to get books for their Kindles and walk the dog.
I chose to walk the dog first, and in the interests of building some leg muscles prior to Skiing next year I figured the dog and I would mooch over to Allens garage, a 2.3 mile walk each way.
The dog was overjoyed to see me (always is, I am a soft touch for treats) and almost beside himself when I picked up his lead.
Ipod on and off we trotted, we made it there with no incident, chatted to Crispy for a short while then turned to leave.
The dog seemed pleased to leave Allens, but as we walked past all the parked cars and didn't get in any of them he started to get nervous, upon leaving the carpark and the realisation of the walk home hit him he sat down and expectantly watched the parked cars. I had to drag him for a couple of meters before he accepted his fate.
So hard on him was the walk home that on a long hill he tried to commit suicide by hurling himself into oncoming traffic, but alas I saved him.
The final part of the walk was in an unlit path behind houses, I used my phone to light the way but the battery died, at this point dog decided that the dark was no fun and insisted we change direction and go by the lit road. Not only is the dog lazy, but also it turns out he is scared of the dark. He is also an utter fraud, because it started to rain and he ran the last hundred meters or so home after winging all the the way beforehand.

To keep a routine I have been told I must wake up as if I were going to work every weekday and do chores or walk the dog, on Wednesday morning I chose to walk the dog again.
Again the dog was pleased to see me, but when we got to the end of the road he did two massive shits and sat down. It took me some time to entice him to move again, and for the first mile he kept trying to lead me home at every junction.
The walk there and back was painfully slow, it was clear I have found the only thing in the world lazier than me. I gave him a break and haven't walked him since. I am hoping to convince him to go again next week though, because walking on my own is even more boring than enticing the dog with treats all the way.
I have been doing lots of round the house chores, but it seems everything takes three times longer than expected, and yesterday I broke the jetwash.
Today I am going to sign on at a local temping agency, I still have yet to hear from Nasa about the astronought job but what with the time difference there I guess I should be patient.

We in the interests of fitness I also agreed to play Badminton last night with Davin, I sent a text round and was surprised to get a big response. It turns out everyone likes a bit of Badminton playing. The only thing as tonight was a Badminton club, run by local 'enthusiasts'. The enthusiasts were well pleased to have so many people turn up to play, but when they realised that we were just there for fun and had no idea of the actual game rules they were a little less pleased. I think I can safely say I lost every game I played, but it was a good night for us all the same.
Davin is now broken, he got leg cramp so bad he had to quit. He recons he will keep going to the club though - and I quote - 'until he can beat them all - shouldn't take long' watch this space I suppose.

In the drink - so to speak

Well, its Hofficial – regardless of if the company sinks or swims I will be jobless sometime at the end of this month. This could mean I have more time to write meaningless drivel here a lot more, but as I have a sneaking suspicion that my to-do list at home is being quietly added to I suspect not.

Also I suppose I will have to find alternative employment. I was thinking Astronaut, or perhaps combat helicopter pilot. I feel both roles would suit me well, however due to my colossal experience in Googling things I should skip any formal training and just get started. I am still waiting for the RAF and NASA to accept my offers. Obviously they will, I guess nobody there has read them yet. Perhaps there is a problem with the mail in their area.

Another excellent option would be the new Stig on Top Gear, obviously I wouldn’t be as fast unless strapped to a rocket (My soon-to-be employers NASA could provide this) but I would amble purposefully around the track, muttering stuff about things.

Oddly the BBC has also not replied to my application either – must remember to send letters tracked next time.

So in other news – nothing really.

It was Halloween not long ago, its tradition that we go out every Halloween in cars with large catapults and eggs. As this is not an ‘approved’ behavioural thing I shall not go into much detail but suffice it to say we went through 190 eggs give or take, many of which hit their intended targets. Some did go inside the vehicles they were launched from but on the whole it was a successful night. If it makes you feel any better we don’t egg any elderly people, or children. But anyone in a hoodie is fair game.

We went for some offroading a couple of weekends ago, I took my Heep as a support vehicle to Bluntly, Stubby and Crispy who all rode motorbikes. They weren’t hardcore enough to ride them there though – they took them there and back in a van… Pussies.

Bluntly got soaked, it was really really funny but I guess you had to be there. Here are a couple of pictures of the day in question;

Damp Bluntly, he looks happy in this photo but I assure you he didn’t find it as funny as us. I laughed so hard I think I weed a little bit.

 Here we are discussing Crispys broken starter motor, well they were - I was eating crisps.

Another break, more crisps, and also I found a warm thermos with tea on the back seat - thanks Vicky!

Here we were pulled over so Crispy and Stubby could practice wheelys. Mores the pity, they didn't fall off and I had run out of crisps.

Stubby taking on a very steep slope side on, if you look really closedly you can see he actually fell off at the top...

It was a long way down, Kens bike is down there after overheating. He thinks its got nothing to do with his weight, I disagree. The argument continues.

Crispy taking flying lessons, there wasn't enough falling off to keep me happy.

This was just before loading up to go home, good news - by this point I had found a sneaky pack of crisps left over.

There are more photos and even some videos (check me out with all my modern tech!) which can be found here: Salisbury Plain 13/11/11

Also I did go to a large banger racing meeting at Ringwood raceway last weekend, to support Crispy who was racing in the ‘World’ (World in this case meaning about a 50 mile radius from the raceway) Rookie Banger Racing Championship.

The problem was however, that there were 300+ cars racing on this night, most of them for the championship (In sets of 50 a time on the track) and Crispy in his infinite wisdom had chosen to race a Honda Civic hatchback (A very small 3 door). He was up against mostly large saloons and estates, including Volvos and the like.

He didn’t win, but more importantly – I didn’t get stabbed by the mostly Pikey audience.

I would have taken pictures, but it was dark and there was a risk of mugging for shoelaces, let alone a camera.

That about sums up my last couple of weeks, just need to send off some more job applications. Anyone know who I apply to for James Bonds job?

Iceberg, Dead ahead!

I found out recently that my work with my current employer is possibly coming to an end, the company is taking on water faster than we can bail it out and the sharks are circling.

I liken my company to the Titanic, it’s a small company but with the wage structure of a lumbering behemoth of the Seas. Almost everyone other than myself and one or two other members of staff is a ‘Director’ and managing their own department (Department of them) and on wages that frankly insult (Double or triple) the non-directors amongst us.

Basically, we spent a long time with the Iceberg in sight, and there was plenty of warning before it even crested the horizon. Enough warning in fact to effect a mutiny, the previous Captain (CEO) was thrown overboard with her first mate (Sales Director) because the Chief Engineer (Operations Director) and Captain could not agree on which way to turn the boat and avoid the ‘berg. Of course I use the term ‘thrown overboard’ with some artistic licence, because the previous Captain and Co. left with a sizable life raft for their personal use.

Are you confused yet?

Anyway, with a new captain at the helm we had a new direction, but alas – it was too late to do anything about the ‘berg so in we went.

Now here we are, I was enjoying myself milling around in the Second Class cabins, stealing stuff from First Class and generally flowing with the tide. Laughed about how First Class are a bunch of toffs and we would do much more cool stuff if we had their money instead of them, poked fun about Third Class with their rats and Jobless existence.

I even spent some time on the bow, wind in the hair and all but some fat bird and her American boyfriend (Who was inexplicably pretending to be Irish) got all up in my face claiming they were on top of the world and stuff so I left them to it.

Now I am on the lifeboat deck, I can’t find a lifejacket and I don’t want to swim anyway. Dresses don’t suit me and I am left considering if I should punch J.J. Astor in the face for his spot on the lifeboat. And to top it off its fecking freezing.

We have somewhere between a week and four weeks to find out how things go, if we get bought out and the hole patched or if we go down. It won’t be with all hands mind – several have already boarded the lifeboats and applied for new jobs but their lifeboats haven’t launched quite yet.

I for one will be staying till the bitter end, I will be waiting until she slips below the waves and following the bubbles to the surface afterwards.

It’s not because of undying loyalty you understand, it’s because I am that afraid to move forward I would rather sink with the current Captain than risk jumping ship first.

Fourtrak-rak Collecting, Moody Seat destruction...

Today I am keeping Dom and Stubby company whilst we collect Stubbys latest aquisition, a 1995 Diahatsu Fourtrak 4x4. This is to be Stubby's winter transport in anticipation of the BMW M3 being less than useless in the snow.
A Diahatsu Fourtrak for those of you who don't know is a large 3 door 4x4, Stubby has purchased a van version so there are no rear seats or rear side windows. In case you care - although I am sure you don't - its a 2.8l 4 cylinder Diesel Turbo manual.
I should make it clear at this point that this is not the first Fourtrak that Stubby has owned, he bought a few years ago an identical car. The only thing with his last one was that it was a complete lemon - the owner beforehand neglected to mention that the front propshaft had been removed so it was a rear wheel drive only 4x4, he also neglected to mention that the engine leaked water, and that there was more rust than metal left...
Predictablly this fourtrak did not last long, but I think Stubby was able to profit from it all the same.
I opted to tag along to see how this one works out, not at all so I could gloat if it did not work out well.
For this excursion we took Doms new (To him) Ford Mondeo ST-TDCi. Fortunately for me Doms car has headrest screens, so I would not be too bored. It would be four hours and 180 miles each way!
On the way we tried to use the in-built twat-nav but it was having one of it, apparenty the County of Lincolnshire does not exist (not that I blame it).
Also of great amusement to me was that an hour or so into the journey someone pushed something on the stereo and for a while after that it automatically retuned itself to Classic FM, even if you changed the station it changed it back a minute later. I can live with classic FM if I am honest - its better than listening to Radio 1's Vernon Kay anyway.
At our first stop Stubby mistakenly offered to drive, and Dom took advantage by buying the Movie 'Senna'. So me and Dom spent the last half of the journey watching that and left Stubby to be alone driving. Lincolnshire reminds me of Devon, plenty of very slow drivers and some insane overtaking. When cresting the hill of a normal country road we came across a foreign lorry on our side of the road, evidentally he was confused about what side of the road to be on... A few impolite gestures and lane changes later we passed each other - although it was a close thing. My life would have flashed before my eyes, but ironicaly we were just watching the demise of Ayrton Senna on the TVs...

We arrived at the chaps house safe and sound, despite Lincolnshires best efforts - Stubbys new motor was sat on the road awaiting its inspection. A friendly if slightly backwards chap is its current owner, he has owed it for a worryingly short three weeks.
Upon inspection it looks good for its age, some bad welding here and there, non-structural rust occasionally but it has been fully waxoiled underneath.
It started and ran (a bonus) sounds fairly good for a rattly 4 cylinder Diesel. The drivers seat is demolished, and has been home-repaired with what looks like a sofa cushion held down with a homemade seaty cover. It is equipped (badly) with a Parrot hands free system which does not appear to be working and a decent looking Sony Stereo.
Stubby took it out on a test drive and came back shaking his head, the clutch was slipping badly, perhaps it was not the good buy it first appeared!
A bit of assessment, and some adjusting later Stubby had negotiated £250 off the agreed price due to the clutch and handed over the cash. There is of course no problem with the clutch at all... Must remember never to buy a car from him.
On the way home I elected to stay in the Mundano with Dom, Fourtraks are just one small step up from farm tractors after all.
We gave Stubby the TomTom twat-nav in the expectation that the Mundanos built in twat nav knew where Doms home was. For the first hour or so it did indeed work fine, but then lapsed and eventually decided we are driving across a field in Scotland. It continued to disagree with us all the way home.
We actually made it home without incident, bar some small arguments with Fords finest satnav.
Upon arrival I prompty stole the Parrot for Vickys car, and we found some extra 'ventilation' courtesy of some rust holes in the floor. Much to my dissapointment Stuby had found the odd chair repair quite comfortable. But he had used quite a quantity of diesel all the way home.
Try as I might I could not convince Stubby to take his new (untaxed and thus not road legal) toy offroading so we were at a loose end.
A loose end that is, until we spotted Abi's old Seat parked in a corner of my drive...

You see, a few weeks ago I agreed to buy Abi's deathtrap of a 1996 Seat Ibiza 1.4l petrol manual off her hands for scrap money. It had sat in limbo for the last few weeks on my drive whilst we considered giving it to Vicky's brother but as it was in a questionable condition it was decided that I would scrap it and get my money back.
We had mooted about banger racing it with other cars on the road for a giggle but we lacked the other cars so it sat... and sat.
Until today that is, because although I could not convince Stubby to offroad his Fourtrak he was more than happy to offroad the little Seat.
Sadly round one went a little too quickly, the plucky Seat only managed one and a half laps of the local unsurfaced (heavily rutted, slightly flooded and very hilly) lane before succuming to water ingestion related injuries and battery issues when trying to restart it.
We had to call Crispy for assistance, he obliged by towing the little Seat to the local scrapyard where we managed to get it running again.
We agreed to all go home and get fed and watered, then meet up later to have a bit of fun in the little Seat for the night at some of the longer unsurfaced roads locally.
An hour or two later found us in some woodland, Myself, Dom, Stubby, Crispy and Merv. We had wisely chosen to bring my old Jeep along in case of brakedowns of getting stuck and had quite a few successful rallys before the Seat had a small incident involving a large hump and having all of us on board. This small incident resulted in the complete severing of the fuel lines, unfortunately we did not have anything to hand to bodge new fuel lines so after a small argument on why we should not set it alight and leave it we opted to tow it back to the scrapyard for repairs another day.
The towing home was eventfull enough mind you, the handbrake on the Seat often found itself on, and we detoured though a ford to clean it a little before getting back.

All in all, an eventfull enough day I guess... Next time I think I will have a lie in instead.

Excuse the obvious grammar and spelling mistakes, turns out my pad thing does not have spell checker...

Sick notes, Poo and Silence

Not a lot has been going on in my life of late – not a lot of interesting things anyway.

Davin, Denise, Tony and Mum went on a weeklong cruise in the Mediterranean, they just got back and they seem very content. They managed not to kill each other, and nobody sunk the boat. Davin even came back with an award so they claim – he won a game called ‘The Weakest Link’ (Loosely based one assumes, on the TV show of the same name). This led to him being crowned the smartest passenger aboard. Quite an achievement you think – until you find that it was an American cruise liner, full of American tourists. So being the smartest aboard is a foregone conclusion. Frankly I feel it was a little unfair to let other nationalities join in.

Be that as it may they are all home safe and sound, our tranquillity is now broken.

We have also just returned from two weeks of house sitting for Vicky’s parents. ‘We’ being myself and Vicky of course.

So for the last three weeks we have barely seen anyone, for two weeks we lived at the ‘in-laws’ merrily overfeeding their dog and then for a week we had blissful silence in an empty home.

Watching the dog is not all bad, he is a small terrier and to top it off getting a bit old so it’s just two walks a day and one meal. Plus lots of begging and table scraps. Oh and poo, a lot of poo for a small animal.

Me and the dog get on very well in fact, we both like company and he doesn’t mind sitting around in the garage whilst I pretend to fix things on the heep, or watching TV and playing on the Xbox.

Aside from the two poos per walk walking is pain free – normally after about 100 meters the dog has given up and wants to go home, which suits me fine. What does not suit me however is the dirty looks all bystanders give you for picking up your dogs poo. Even though I am clearly picking it up (In a baggy) and binning it every non-dog walker give you a look like pure evil. Would they rather step in it?

Vicky’s parents have in fact been in Florida for the last couple of weeks, they came back not tanned enough and rented the wrong car – A Toymota Camry (Shudders). Their only requirement whilst there was to rent something interesting as I was not there to do it for them and they get a Toymota – the most boring model of Toymota at that! Actually now I think of it they didn’t bring me back any Gobstoppers candy either – sacrilege. Still I got some beef jerky and a belt, it’s not all bad.

And worst of all, for the past 3 weeks I have been ill. It’s not full blown man flu, just a damned cold that Will. Not. Go. Away.

It started with a week of sore throats, then moved on to snot and coughing. Two weeks on I am still coughing my guts up. I found an old inhaler in the kitchen and that stops the worst of the coughing for very short periods at a time, and I have been taking cough medicine by the gallon but both don’t really have an effect any more. Except burn, god-dammit cough medicine burns.

So that’s it, a summary of a grumpy and boring few weeks – and everyone but me has been on holiday.

But there is a silver lining – maybe two if the weather forecasts hold out. Firstly we are due a harsh winter – lots of snow so they predict. This is excellent as I can go and slide about in the heep.

Secondly our skiing holiday is booked up (hooray). 13 of us going to Val-Thorens in the French Alps January next year, it’s going to be a messy one and I will do my best to make a note of every sordid detail.