A
few e-mail trails I have been sending to people to stave away (Or
perhaps given some of the content magnify) insanity whilst sat at a desk
all day. No more
internet trawling, no stories about the random things that happen at
work…L
Because I have spared you so little time of late I figured these may
make you titter (fantastic word that, titter) and offset your undoubted
feeling of abandonment. Of course, the e-mail addresses are fictitious
so as to protect the privacy of my unknowing
friends and family, and the occasional detail may be omitted for the
same reason but as the only people likely to be reading this are the
same people involved in making it it’s probably of little consequence.
Unlucky Day.com
From: My Cousin
[mailto:******@hotmail.com]
To: Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
Subject: EXTERNAL: FW: EXTERNAL: RE: .
To: Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
Subject: EXTERNAL: FW: EXTERNAL: RE: .
Having called her to see what she was planning for dinner, I discovered that there is a doubt as to your parentage,
but was quite relieved to hear that you were going to provide dinner tonight, as you sister is now ensconced
on my sofa with no intention of moving for at least 15 hours. I look forward to see what you are planning for dinner.
From:
Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
To: ******@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: EXTERNAL: FW: EXTERNAL: RE: .
To: ******@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: EXTERNAL: FW: EXTERNAL: RE: .
That
is deeply unfortunate for her. Perhaps if she gave me some warning then
I could know not to take her
motor vehicle, but as I had no prior knowledge of her arrival and
subsequent requirement for said motor vehicle I could not have known. I
do of course have a work number, and a work e-mail and I could even have
considered it an ‘emergency’ and collected her
to go to the doctors, on the proviso that she could pick me up in the
afternoon when I finish.
Alas
perhaps it is her parentage that should be in question, but to smooth
her undoubtedly ruffled feathers I can provide for dinner
– as long as dinner is chips and other things found in your freezer and
mine, cooked in your oven.
Me
Should be Company Director
Direct: 999
Super Secret Squirrel Company, Everywhere-ville, SS4 1SC
I didn’t know replies had to make sense.co.uk
-----Original Message-----
Subject: EXTERNAL: Out of Office AutoReply: Weekend
I will be in a meeting all day with no access to emails , for urgent project assistance please contact Fakefirstname
Eccleston (Head of [Stuff]) on [don’t be silly I’m not giving you his bosses contact details.co.uk].
-----Original Message-----
Subject: RE: Weekend
How come your boss has a different e-mail address to you? You sure it's correct? Should I e-mail him and ask if you have
incorrectly put your company e-mail address on your out of office?
For that matter, why have you got an out of office? We all know your reading your phone in this meeting like everyone
else; in fact- I hope you remembered to put it on silent... Oops!
Is
your boss any relationship to Bernie? If he is can I have a go in an F1
car? I fancy myself as an international rockstar-playboy-racer
type. Alternatively I would be happy with a mere 10% of Bernie's
wealth. Perhaps I can ask him whilst I let him know about you putting
his e-mail address on incorrectly.
Oh
scratch that, maybe the spelling problem is caused by your boss - he
has spelt Ecclestone incorrectly hasn't he? Missed
the 'e' off and everything, just like he missed the end of his own
e-mail address on your out of office. He seems a little incompetent.
Perhaps you should be his boss. Then again, you can be a bit special
too. All this complication is making my head hurt.
I am going to lie down whilst the two of you grease up and wrestle for
the Bronze in the Special Olympics.
Chow,
Me
Should be Company Director
Direct: 999
Super Secret Squirrel Company, Everywhere-ville, SS4 1SC
-----Original Message-----
Subject: EXTERNAL: RE: Weekend
See in red;
How come your boss has a different e-mail address to you? You sure it's correct? ##########Im special ##########Should
I e-mail him and ask if you have incorrectly put your company e-mail address on your out of office?#######no########
For
that matter, why have you got an out of office? ##########in meetings
and have very pressing clients############We
all know your reading your phone in this meeting like everyone else; in
fact- I hope you remembered to put it on silent... Oops! ###########on
the i-pad with feet up at home############
Is
your boss any relationship to Bernie? #####no, but worth as
much#########If he is can I have a go in an F1 car? #####no######I
fancy myself as an international rockstar-playboy-racer type.
Alternatively I would be happy with a mere 10% of Bernie's wealth.
#########you already have that in inheritance########## Perhaps I can
ask him whilst I let him know about you putting his e-mail
address on incorrectly.
Oh
scratch that, maybe the spelling problem is caused by your boss - he
has spelt Ecclestone incorrectly hasn't he?##########no##########
Missed the 'e' off and everything, just like he missed the end of his
own e-mail address on your out of office. He seems a little incompetent.
Perhaps you should be his boss. Then again, you can be a bit special
too. All this complication is making my head
hurt. I am going to lie down whilst the two of you grease up and
wrestle for the Bronze in the Special Olympics.
Regards
My Friend
Jumped-up job title with silly letters after it
M: His number
The company he works for Ltd
Their address
"A really silly and cheesy company motto written inexplicably in quotes"
-----Original Message-----
Subject: RE: Weekend
I
don't get colour in your replies, for some unknown reason. Because of
this I reject your reality and substitute my
own. Because of this I am no longer driving to Newquay, I shall take
the yacht and meet you at the campsite by helicopter - where my loveable
unicorn (Derek) will have prepared a fine feast for the little people.
Me
Should be Company Director
Direct: 999
Super Secret Squirrel Company, Everywhere-ville, SS4 1SC
-----Original Message-----
Subject: EXTERNAL: RE: Weekend
You been eating mercury? Mad as a hatter!!
Regards
My Friend
Jumped-up job title with silly letters after it
M: His number
The company he works for Ltd
Their address
"A really silly and cheesy company motto written inexplicably in quotes"
-----Original Message-----
Subject: RE: Weekend
When
I am sad about the Russian dance I find it better to wear the chicken
hat. Not because I want to pretend to be a
chicken of course - that would be silly. But it has longer flaps and I
can pull them up and war the hat like that kid on the band that was
popular briefly after x-talented-new-Zealand or something. But because
my hat looks like a chicken it’s a bit better
than his. His looks like a tea cosy and not at all like a chicken.
I
haven’t eaten any mercurys (Mercuries?) lately; in fact I have never
eaten any kind of American-market large-to-mid
size vehicles to the best of my memory at all. On long journeys I used
to sit in the back of my parents Mercedes and sometimes when very bored I
chewed the leathery bit that covers the top of the door. It tasted
really bad but left funny impressions below
the window. I often hoped that people would see those marks and have a
discussion about what made the marks, they would probably wind up
agreeing that it must be a pet of some kind (likely a dog) leaving the
marks after a long conversation and at that point
I could jump out and tell them it was me with a grand flourish.
Speaking of mad I am angry with Derek, he has stolen my left sock and used it to spank the President of Uganda. He and
I are both quite upset about it and I would rather you didn’t bring up Derek again.
Me
Should be Company Director
Direct: 999
Super Secret Squirrel Company, Everywhere-ville, SS4 1SC
Getting off topic.co.ca
What are the plans for leaving?
7am M3/J7
Motorway
Bridge??
10-4
Regards
My Friend
My Friend
Jumped-up job title with silly letters after it
M: His number
The company he works for Ltd
Their address
"A really silly and cheesy company motto written inexplicably in quotes"
7a-what-now?
Perhaps
you are confused, and actually mean to say 12pm, otherwise known to
army types as 12:00 on that silly 24 hour time system they
have. Even though it’s not really 24 hours, its 23 hours and 59 minutes
which if you think about it makes no sense at all. If I told a
silly-army-type to go somewhere at 24:00 hours they would look at me
funny and say ‘do you mean 00:00 hours?’ Then I would
point out that their system is silly and they would probably get upset.
They may not even go to the specified place at all in fact. How do you
say ’00:00’ out loud anyway?
Me
Should be Company Director
Direct: 999
Super Secret Squirrel Company, Everywhere-ville, SS4 1SC
From:
*******.********@
To: Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
Subject: RE: Newquay
To: Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
Subject: RE: Newquay
Obviously
the short time at [The Super Secret Squirrel Company] has
institutionalised you already and your not thinking straight.
I’m happy to leave at 7am (07:00 for Dave) on the M3/J7 motorway bridge so anyone that wants to convoy down then see you there!!
If not then make our own way down and meet at site!! Simples!!
How’s that for being blue, iv actually made a decision on my own!!
Regards
My Friend
My Friend
Jumped-up job title with silly letters after it
M: His number
The company he works for Ltd
Their address
"A really silly and cheesy company motto written inexplicably in quotes"
From:
His.Sister@hercompanyemail.com
To: Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
Subject: RE: Newquay
To: Me@supersecretsquirrelcompany.
Subject: RE: Newquay
Well done you - I am very proud of my baby brother...!
Gold star, top in class...;-))
With best regards,
His Sisters Name
A long and complicated job title that sounds important
Mobile: Her number
His Sisters Name
A long and complicated job title that sounds important
Mobile: Her number
To:
*******.********@
Subject: RE: Newquay
Subject: RE: Newquay
I
don’t know what time we are leaving, and because of this fact I almost
certainly don’t deserve a gold star or to go to the top of the
class. I did once go to the top of the class though, it was a long time
ago but I remember distinctly going there because I wrote on the
blackboard whilst stood there. The whole episode resulted in a brief
suspension, and I don’t think my brief foray into
top-of-the-class-isum went very well at all.
Although
whilst suspended I spent a lot of time watching daytime TV, which at
the time was a greatly entertaining mixture of cartoons
and, uh, actually it was only cartoons. But they were very good ones,
like Hannah-Barbara’s Wacky Races. I would like to think it was this day
that helped form my elder years, I often think it would be really cool
to have a car from the wacky races – except
that caveman one because they had to run all the time.
I
like the one from the Addams family types because they had a dragon. I
would really like a dragon because then I could use it for many
different tasks. It would breathe fire and fly and I would call him
Jimmy-the-Dragon. Eventually I would tire of calling him
Jimmy-the-Dragon because it’s quite long and he may have stopped
listening to me halfway through his name. I would then shorten his
name to Jimmy, and a while later to simply Jim. I could fly places on
Jim and he would set fire to things for me.
Me
Should be Company Director
Direct: 999
Super Secret Squirrel Company, Everywhere-ville, SS4 1SC
