Its nearly here! In just a few more days 16 of us (Yobby, Gobby Brits) will be heading to the Val Thorens resort in the French Alps to severely inconvinience the French and cause ourselves immense pain.
With so many friends going this is going to be a trip to remember if nothing else. As many of those going have never Skiied, Snowboarded or seen a mountain before this trip also promises lots of laughs. Not for them obviously, but for me - I may need to be hospitalized on laughter alone.
We will be travelling in three groups, four will be flying, two will be driving there after the others and the bulk of us will be driving together. I wanted to propose a proper Top-Gear style race, whereby the flying crew were restricted to public transport only and we bet on who would arrive first, but nobody else saw the fun. Boo :(.
The flyers will be Steve, Chris, Dom and Bridie - using an Airbus A320 (Probably). Driving separately will be Russell and Stacy in Russells BMW 530d. Driving together will be: Crispy, Foggers (Phil), and Scott in Crispys Lexus IS200. Bluntly (Ken), Stubby, Kate and Jane in the Blunt's lovebus (Volkswagen Transporter van/camper). And finally, Me, Vicky and Oracle (Gaz) in our Lolvo XC90.
To prepare the flyers will be packing (lightly) and sleeping.
Their itinery runs something like this;
Meet up at the ship for dinner prior to departure (1900hrs, Friday).
Pack.
Re-pack with 30% less for weight reasons.
Re-pack with 60% less for weight reasons.
Give up packing, realize that no luggage other than underwear and boards can be taken. Put on everything you own to avoid checking it in.
0200hrs, Saturday: Drive to airport, leave car (Doms) in long term parking.
Wait considerable amount of time for check in.
Wait considerable amount of time for security.
Wait considerable amount of time in departures - find that due to the time no shops are open.
Board plane.
Wait considerable amount of time for plane to depart (No clear reason why).
Short flight, sleep and find to their horror there is an in flight breakfast and due to lack of open shops prior to departure they are forced to eat.
Land, wait a considerable amount of time for the Swiss to realize there is a plane full of British on a runway.
Disembark, wait a considerable amount of time for the Swiss to man their passport desks with any more than one person.
Wait a considerable amount of time to find their luggage has been dropped and run over, valuables missing.
Wait a considerable amount of time at immigration for Dom to get improperly touched by customs.
Get lost in Geneva airport looking for their coach.
Board Coach.
Disembark coach, reboard correct coach.
Disembark correct coach to recover luggage from incorrect coach.
Wait a considerable amount of time for the coach to leave - but not before it picks up a really noisy gang of youths who like to sing irritating travel songs.
Very long coach transfer finds them in Val Thorens, stop on the way to allow those who ate in flight breakfast to be sick.
Meet up with others, claim to have "really enjoyed" travelling by plane.
On paper they are schedued to arrive several hours before the driving party, at roughly 1400hrs or before on Saturday.
Russell and Stacy have their own plans, involving staying in Paris the night before. Aside from some speeding tickets and not knowing how to fit their chains they will be following a similar plan to us upon departure from Paris.
To prepare the drivers of each car have done the folowing: Bluntly and Crispy have both serviced their vehicles and replaced anything that is worn or on its way out. Due to peer pressure I opened the lolvo bonnet, then shut it again and went back inside. We have all trial fitted our chains to ensure we can do it (Weather report says that almost 25 miles from our resort chains must be used). Much excessive packing has been done, only to find we probably can't fit any of it in the cars.
Our itinery runs something like this;
Pack cars.
Re-pack cars.
Remove half of luggage, repack cars.
Remove all luggage, find car keys at back of boot.
Re-pack cars.
Meet up at the Ship for dinner prior to departure (1900hrs, Friday).
Re-pack cars.
Have tea at my house, somehow Team Lexus has got lost between the Ship and here for over a half hour.
Re-pack cars.
Leave my house, ideally time should be 2200hrs on Friday but due to team Lexus delay of one hour.
Return for passports.
Arrive at ferry terminal for 0130hrs (Saturday) at 0000hrs to find there are no earlier available spaces.
Team Lexus gets pulled by customs and searched due to 'tip off' from both vehicles in front that they are transporting an illegal immigrant or drugs.
Wait considerable amount of time, play pranks on each other and use air horn to upset other passengers waiting.
Get told off by Dover port staff for loud and irresponsible behavior.
Board ferry, Team Lexus boarded with no problem - Team Lolvo park to find the Lolvo too wide, cannot exit through doors. Team lovebus stuck on loading ramp due to low ride height and long wheelbase.
Long and loud argument between ferry personel and Bluntly ensues, during this time Stubby is able to board the ferry with the van by using excessive speed.
Long ferry journey, during this time Stubby earns £200 in loose change from gambling machines.
Wait considerable amount of time to disembark ferry.
Team Lexus gets pulled by customs and searched due to 'tip off' from both vehicles in front that they are transporting an illegal immigrant or drugs.
Get lost in Dover looking for motorway.
Find motorway, settle to 70mph cruise enforced by the Lovebus.
First stop, Stubby takes over driving for team Lovebus, settle to 100mph cruise encouraged by Lovebus.
Second stop, Bluntly forcibly removes Stubby as driver of the Lovebus, settle to 70mph cruise enforced by Lovebus.
Mountains begin.
Motorways end.
Get lost.
Snow is seen on ground, roads still clear.
Team Lexus has several near misses whilst trying to drift on hairpin bends.
Still with over 20 miles of road to go team Lexus is stuck and having to chain up, team Lolvo and team Lovebus watch in amusement and refuse to chain up, claiming 4wd (Lolvo) or snow tires (Lovebus) will negate the need to. In the spirit of top gear, Team Lexus is abandoned so the others can proceed.
Team Lexus overtake teams Lolvo and Lovebus, now hopelessly stuck and having to chain up. Insults are shouted, by team Lexus, as they leave the others in a haze of snowdust.
Teams Lolvo and Lovebus overtake team Lexus, now in a ditch.
Teams Lolvo and Lovebus return to team Lexus, pull them out and continue on.
Arrive at Val Thorens, if all goes to plan eta will be 1600hrs on Saturday.
Meet up with flyers, rub salt in their wounds about how funny the trip was.
So that is the plan for day one anyway, after that there will be a whole week of chaos, including a 6 mile toboggan run.
Wish us luck, we are all gonna need it!
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